At ease. Fellas! We have a special guest today. [groans] He’s a friend of the force, and he’ll be going over some new tactics to help us on our missions. Let’s welcome Mr. Steve Sharp. [applause] My name is Steve Sharp and I am a public relations expert. You’re probably wondering, uh, ‘What’s a PR exec doing at a tactical meeting,’ right? I am here because I love SWAT. I do. I love the uniforms, I love the firepower, I love the work that you do. But just because I love you, doesn’t mean that the American people love you. So I am here to help resurrect the SWAT image. -Did we do something wrong? [STEVE] I’m sorry, what’s your name?
[HAWK] My name is Hawk. Is that your real name? It’s his nickname. Yeah, I came up with it myself. We all have cool nicknames. It’s fun. Before I became Captain, I was Hammer. Nice! I like that. And to answer your question, Hawk, as far as I’m concerned, SWAT never does anything wrong. You guys are fighting the war on drugs by any means necessary, whether those means be constitutional or not. Oh, we plan all missions under the assumption that the American public doesn’t care about the Constitution. Oh, they don’t! But what they do care about is this. [chuckling] Aww, look at that! How about this cutie? Is that a widdle officer of the waw? [loud laughter] Or how about these, huh? [laughter] Hey, are those all dogs? [STEVE] They sure are…uh…
[AX] Ax. Ax is right, everybody. These are all dogs. Now do you recognize any of these dogs? No? Let me refresh your memory. You killed all these dogs during your raids. Okay? That is a month’s worth of dead family pets right there. [HAWK] Ooh, I remember that one, the Teacup Yorkshire Terrier. He was all, uh, “yip yip yip yip!” Had to put two in its tiny belly just to shut it up [STEVE] Why did you think it was necessary to put two bullets in such a tiny dog? [HAWK] I feared for my life, sir. [STEVE] And your bravery was plastered all over the 8 o’clock news. Yeah, I remember that raid! We didn’t find any drugs at the house and never charged the couple living there with anything after the incident. [CAPTAIN] Great job on that one guys [STEVE] But if you recall, a few days prior, there was a similar incident. No drugs found, no charges made, house destroyed, but the media, they didn’t cover that raid. Why do you think that is, uh.. They call me Silver Surfer. [STEVE] I love it. Why didn’t they cover that raid? [SILVER SURFER] I got nothing! [STEVE] Okay. [CAPTAIN] Hold the phone now, are you saying that the reason the media didn’t cover that raid is because we didn’t kill a dog? [STEVE] (snaps) Exactly Captain, exactly. So moving forward, we are going to institute a new policy. Don’t Shoot the F***ing Dog! Can you all say that with me? [ALL] Don’t Shoot the F***ing Dog. [STEVE] Yeah that’s great. I love it. Alright! Now let’s do a little, uh, rapid fire Q&A, throw some situations my way. [HAWK] Okay, we barge into the apartment
of an elderly woman, who takes medical marijuana to
treat her post-polio symptions. [STEVE] Brave.
[HAWK] Yeah, but is it cool? [STEVE] No, it sounds horrific. [HAWK] Yeah, but is the public gonna be upset? [STEVE] Did you kill a dog? [HAWK] No, just traumatized an old woman. [STEVE] Then you got nothing to worry about! Next! Ax? [AX] You know what, sometimes we raid the wrong address. [STEVE] Okay. [AX] What if we determine it’s the wrong address before we raid the home? I mean, we still go through with it, right? [STEVE] Right address, wrong address, you just make sure you don’t kill the wrong dog. The wrong dog being any dog [SILVER SURFER] Say we’re serving a warrant for a non-violent drug offense, is it really necessary for us to bring a tank? [TANK] HEY! [SILVER SURFER] Not you Tank, I’m talking about our actual tanks. [STEVE] Tanks are badass. Eh? I mean, look at these! Come on! (laughter) That’s so necessary! You just make sure that if you crash through someone’s living room and run over a carbon-based life form, it doesn’t have a tail and sweat from its nose. Let me make it easy for you guys! (sounds of understanding) [CAPTAIN] Now hold up there, hotshot. Say there’s an incident where we throw a flashbomb, and it lands in a crib, light a baby on fire. Is the public gonna be upset? [STEVE] That’s a great question, Captain. Let me ask you, is that baby a puppy? [CAPTAIN] No. [STEVE] Then you are gonna be retiring with medals on your chest and a full pension! (cheering) [STEVE] Gentlemen! America is gonna love you again! You just gotta remember one thing: [ALL] Don’t shoot the f***ing dog! (applause)