Hasan Picks His Harry Potter House | Deep Cuts | Patriot Act with Hasan Minhaj | Netflix

Man, I– It’s so crazy, I haven’t had Doritos in years, but I would have it all
the time in middle school. I think it definitely
took years off my life. Doritos and Mountain
Dew Code Red? Oh, my god. It’s straight up – seventh and eighth grade
have so much of that. There’s gonna be, like,
a class action lawsuit. Like, twenty years from now
when people are just like, “Did you have Mountain
Dew Code Red in eighth grade? Call Habbas and Mandola
and Associates. 1-88-HABBAS.” And you’re like, “That was me.” Alright, “What is your
favorite Trader Joe’s item?” This is from Kat. Ooh. This is from Kat. Is Kat here? Yeah, what’s your favorite item? Everything but the bagel
seasoning? Damn, divisive. People like the bagel
seasoning, don’t they? Oh! Oh, yeah, that thing. It’s, like, where everything’s
all combined in one – Yeah, yeah. I thought you were like, “I love
everything, but that thing.” Okay, yeah. Umm, I like their – I don’t like this, I find it weird. You know how, like, all their ethnic food has, like,
a very specific name? But it’s, like, quasi-racist
but they don’t address it? Yeah. You know what
I’m talking about, right? “Trader Ming’s” is
their Asian food. I’m not joking. “Trader
José” is their Mexican food. It’s Trader José, but their
food is so good they’re like, “You’re not gonna
do anything about it.” Like, everybody has
their NPR tote bags and they’re like,
“It’s Trader Ming’s,” and they bang a
gong and you’re like, “I’m lazier than I
am woke.” Ya know? “What Hogwarts house
would you place yourself in? And which house would the
Sorting Hat actually put you in?” This is from Sarah. This is your Hogwarts question?
This is your question? Your sister filled it out? For you? Which Hogwarts
house would you be in? That’s great. Yeah, usually
people are like, “I’m a Gryffindor.” But, like, Gryffindor and Ravenclaw
they’re generally, like, you know… They don’t beef, do they? Aren’t they more like, “We’re brave.”
Hufflepuff is, like, the more chill. Hufflepuff has a
badger as their mascot. Yeah. Yeah, I feel like they’re the
UC Santa Cruz of, like, houses. You know what I mean?
Like, you go surfing and you be like,
“Like…I don’t – I’m a – I made up my own major.”
That’s, like, a Hufflepuff. What if, like– I feel like if I wore the hat, the hat
would put me in Hagrid’s house. Like, the Sorting Hat would be
like, “You’re in Hagrid’s house,” I’d be like, “What?” Like, “You live with Hagrid. You guys have bunk
beds.” I’m like, “Alright.” What house would you be in? Hufflepuff? Hufflepuff too? You’re a Gryffindor? Nah, dude. Nah, dude. Everyone
thinks they’re a Gryffindor. What house would you be in? Hufflepuff? Now everyone’s– Okay
what house would you be in? Yeah. You’re like, “I’ve
never thought about it.” Say what? Hagrid’s? Yeah, yeah. You hang out with
the groundskeeper. “What is an example of a
genre or a potential pivot that’s outside your comfort zone, but you’d really like to try at
some point in your career?” I feel like my dad
wrote this and just like, “What’s something else
you could do besides–” One time I was watching
TV as a kid I remember – what show was it? It was, like, a
daytime talk show or something. Maybe– No, it wasn’t a daytime talk– It was, like, Mr. Rogers
or, like, Sesame Street. But there was, like, an ice– a
professional ice cream tester. And it was a real job.
He’s like, “I test ice cream. I have a golden spoon.” And then he would
just, like, he would taste– There would be all these ice creams and he would just, like,
taste one and be like [licks]. And he’s like, “That’s
pralines and cream.” And then, he would just – he would just taste ice cream
and that was his whole job, like, telling you about the viscosity
of it and how good it was. And that’s, like, his full-time job. He has
a golden spoon, he wears a lab coat. I feel like that would
be a cool career pivot. What would your career pivot be? Basketball player? Like, could you do it, though? Not currently, but, like… That was my first, like,
response but I’m like, “I just have to also be
realistic. Ice cream tester.” Basketball player? Okay. What about – what about you? A doctor? You can pivot to anything. What do you do right now? Are you, like, an ice cream tester
and you’re like, “I’d pivot to… I’d pivot to something
a little more practical.” You’re an engineer? You’d pivot to that? You’d go from engineer to doctor? You can do– Ah, dude, come on. Imagine. “Can you please share
what you think about Taiwan recently becoming the
first Asian country to legalize same sex marriage, and if you think this could
impact other Asian countries?” Um, that’s a great question.
This is from Serena. Um, uh, I think it’s great. Unfortunately, I don’t
think it’ll impact China because China won’t even recognize
Taiwan as a sovereign country. Uhhh, Taiwan’s like– I mean, China’s like,
“Mmm no. Who are you?” That’s what they’ll say. But, I think the domino effect
in the region could be good. Um, but India’s one of
the few countries that, I don’t know if you
guys heard recently, had that huge Supreme Court case. And they overturned the anti-sodomy law,
which I think is a huge win. And as major democracies– Yeah! I think it’s really awesome. And I think as major democracies in
other parts of the world push back against
this antiquated law, I think it’s a huge win
for the entire region. So, ultimately,
I think it’s a good thing. Yeah. “Would love an episode
on Mitch McConnell.” Ugh. This is from Becca. “Seems like, for the most part, he’s been able to hide
behind Trump slash Obama, and that has impact on our
country. Seems lost on people.” Damn, that was a really
good question, Becca. Um, yeah. I think probably
the worst thing, uh, that McConnell’s done that he, kind of, has been able to fall underneath the radar, uh, was the Merrick Garland decision. I think that was probably the
most fucked up thing that he, sorta, pulled off. Um, he really is, like, a tactician. Like, you know how, like, in clubs
you’d have the parliamentarian? Like, the nerd who
knows all the rules? He’s that guy. And I think a lot of
times the mistake, um, people make is they just
do all the turtle jokes and they don’t realize how
good he is at his job, which is… which is probably the
scariest thing that he does. Um, “If you could be
any Doritos flavor…” I love the– I love the
gamut of our questions. You know, you need to talk
about Mitch McConnell and how he’s destroying our country, but Doritos. “If you could be any Doritos
flavor what would you be?” This is from Ayesha Ali. Um, that’s such a weird question. What flavor would you be? There’s a flamin’ hot flavor? What color is the bag? It’s red? No, but
red is Nacho Cheesier. It’s a more red bag? Uh, I would say Cooler Ranch. Cooler Ranch, Salsa Verde. I feel like anyone who’s,
like, “Nacho Cheese,” like, the classic
one, is definitely, like, a Trump supporter. I – I can’t prove it.
I can’t prove it. But I feel like it’s the
MAGA hat of chip choices. Don’t you feel that way? Like, Mitch McConnell would
be like, “I love Nacho Cheese.” Wouldn’t it be? No, why? Just the regular-ass Nacho Cheese? What flavor would you be? Cooler Ranch? Cool. I’d say the blue bag
or the green bag. Why? You don’t
like Cooler Ranch? Not Salsa Verde? Man, I– It’s so crazy, I haven’t had Doritos in years, but I would have it all
the time in middle school. I think it definitely
took years off my life. Doritos and Mountain
Dew Code Red? Oh, my god. It’s straight up – seventh and eighth grade
have so much of that. There’s gonna be, like,
a class action lawsuit. Like, twenty years from now
when people are just like, “Did you have Mountain
Dew Code Red in eighth grade? Call Habbas and Mandola
and Associates. 1-88-HABBAS.” And you’re like, “That was me.” Yeah we, we usually
try to pick, um, two – there’s sorta two main
emotions I try to go for. The first one is I like to pick a topic
that makes people go, “Oh, my god, how have I been living
my life and not knowing that? Like, how did I not know
that piece of information?” Like, I think what’s great about
this episode that I really like is we live in a first world country; we invented the Internet, and yet, there is a huge part of our population
that is just denied basic Internet access,
which is just crazy. Like, that idea of, like,
“How did I not know that?” Or number two – um, it gives the feeling of, “Oh, my god,
thank you for talking about that.” Um, in Sudan on the episode
that we did last week, that to me checked that box where there’s this horrible situation
that’s happening over there, where Sudanese protestors have
overthrown their government. Um, that, you know, Omar al-Bashir was, like, a horrible
dictator for the past thirty years. And now, they’re going head-to-head
with the new military regime, but a lot of Western media
outlets can’t cover it, like, they’ve shut off the Internet. There’s all this crazy
shit that’s happening. So, I usually try to
provide stories that check one of those two things. Yeah. Oh, Rihanna posted about it? I mean, I don’t have the impact
that– [laughs] yeah, yeah, yeah. But I was on it first, Rihanna! Nah, it’s good. I think
any attention is good. What’s up? Yes. The one person I wish
I didn’t have to speak to? I’ll say this. The scariest person, um, that I spoke to after doing the White
House Correspondents’ Dinner set was Jeff Zucker. So, after the Correspondents’ Dinner
speech, um, I’m, like, leaving the stage. And, I’ve obviously made
fun of, you know, CNN, I’ve made fun of Fox News. I probably gave it to
CNN the hardest, right? Um, and, you know, ultimately, like, my punchline to CNN
was like, “You gotta… you gotta do the
news, it can’t just be– Like, everytime I turn on CNN it can’t
look like I’m playing Street Fighter and there’s fifteen cubes and
I’m trying to pick my player,” right? Anyways, I finish the set –
it’s all about, like, journalism, and how important journalism is, and how important the truth
matters and all that stuff. He comes up to me – I’m, like,
leaving the stage, and he’s just like, “Hey man, Jeff Zucker. We gotta do what
you’re doing on CNN.” And I was like, “No.” But that terrified me the most,
like, that idea of just, like, “Man, that was funny.
Um, people were laughing, it was crazy. We need more
of that on a news network.” Like, that to me terrified me the most. That sort of– That
idea that just, like, “That’s really great. I see ratings.” That– That really sorta scared,
like, scared me the most. Yeah. Um, my most played–
Apple Music doesn’t count? Okay. Alright. Um, most played track on Spotify. Uh, it’d probably be, um, the… the Zayn Malik Whole
New World remix. It’s fire! And my daughter loves it. Yeah, we play it in the morning. We’re like,
“Alexa, play Zayn Malik Whole New World.” Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Did I see Aladdin? Yes I saw Aladdin. I had to. Opening night I bought six tickets. I brought – I just invited
random people, yeah. Yeah, of course, I had to. What’s up? I try to not, um, be on my
phone. That is the worst. Yeah. It’s really bad. Yeah. The other– Like, I was walking to work,
like, two days ago, and uh, a lot of people in my building –
they have, they have dogs. So, I’m leaving my building, and there’s this guy; he’s
getting dragged by his dog. Like, the dog is, like,
straight up dragging him. Um, and the dog is, like,
shitting in the middle of the, like, there’s, like, a little
driveway in our building. So it’s like, he’s being dragged, but as he’s being dragged
he’s still on the phone. So he’s, like, the dog is, like,
shitting and the dude’s like this. And I, I was just staring at him, you know? You know how, like,
Indian people stare. So, I’m just like… And I’m with, I’m with Beena
and she’s like, “Stop doing that.” But I was like– He, like, looked up and he, like, caught me
looking at him, and I’m just like, “Dude, like, put…your
phone down. You’re –” Like, this dude is– The
dog is shitting on– Like, he’s getting on your
shoe – you’re just like, “Instagram discover page,” like… Yeah, it was terrifying, I’m like, “Dude,
it’s…it’s, like, it’s getting Black Mirror.” Like, people are straight up, like,
can’t even take a second, so… That’s my thing. Like, I try
not to, um, be on my phone. Try to just, you know,
read the newspaper. Uh, I was wa– Okay so, like,
the other morning I was walking. I was, like, walking in the morning. And, this kid… [laughs] Like we all do. No, I take – I take the baby on a walk. So, I was, like, pushing
her in the stroller, and there was, like, this, like,
seventh grade, like, Bengali kid. He was, like, walking
through, like, this– And this is how you know I’m old. He was listening to Travis Scott
really loud, and I was just like, “Turn it down, man. It’s, like,
seven o’clock in the morning.” And he’s like,
“Huhnanana, huhnanana.” It’s, like, too early, right? It’s like [tongue rumbling]. You know, you can, like, hear
it farting through the Beats? And then… And then, he was like – he was walking and he
saw me, and he was like, “Hasan Minhaj? What the fuck are you doing here?” And I thought he was, like, he was gonna jump me. I like, thought this kid was
gonna, like, like take my – ahhh, like, “Hey man,
take my lunch money.” This kid’s thirteen. “What the fuck are you–”
Like, kids in New York, right? “What the fuck you doing
here?” And I’m like, “I live here.” Uh, and then he’s like, “Let me get a pic.” And then I’m like, “Alright, cool.” Um, and then he had, like,
Snapchat open, right. Um, and he was like… And then I saw him do this
he goes, “Yeah, what’s up,” and then he looked at it
and he’s like, “Man, that sucks.” And he X’d, and he
just kept walking. That’s all I am to him. I’m not a person with–
I’m not a person with feelings; with a child. I’m just,
I’m a widget in his life. Not even, not even
worth IG stories. Just, you know what I mean? “Yo, erase that
motherfucker after 24 hours.” Yeah. Yeah, he was, yeah. It really made me truly sad. “What are you doin’ here?”
I was like, “I was walkin’ my baby.” And he was just like,
“Aww. Let me get a pic.” Like… Just, pure transaction.


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